The Victoria Wood jokes that had us in stitches

Victioria Wood (centre) in Dinnerladies Photo credit: BBC/PA Wire

Victioria Wood (centre) in Dinnerladies Photo credit: BBC/PA Wire

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Victoria Wood died on Wednesday April 20, at the aged of 62 after a short battle with cancer.

The much-loved comedian was known for her witty writing, great gags and perfect timing.

Here are some of Victoria Wood’s very best jokes:

I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.

My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.

In my day we didn’t have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.

Victoria Wood (left) and Julie Walters

Victoria Wood (left) and Julie Walters

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

I’ve got a degree; does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Victoria Wood with her MBE.

Victoria Wood with her MBE.

When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.

Life’s not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

Sexual harassment at work – is it a problem for the self-employed?

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”

Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.